Yes the German loving meth smoking asshole from ShamWow is back again, but we won't be hearing him pitch his German meth towels any time soon because his silver tongue was bit by a $1000 hooker! Apparently this juiced up asshole paid for just "straight sex" with a hooker in Miami and decided to try and kiss her. What is this world coming to? Who would have thought that if you try and kiss a hooker she might try and bite your tongue off?? Who in god's name would try and kiss a fucking hooker?????????? You might not know where that mouth has been...Wait. You know exactly where that mouth has been!!!She's a HOOKER! Well after this sweet little street walker bit his tongue the ShamAsshole beat the hell out of her until she ran out of the room to the hotel lobby to call the police. The ShamJerkoff is now facing felony battery charges. At least we have all learned a valuable lesson from all of this....DON'T DO METH!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Pure genius. I could watch this commercial in between This is what a commercial should be. Short and to the point with an asshole getting thrown out of a window. The free credit report and taco bells out there need to be taking lessons from the Bud Light advertisers. Why infect people with your insignificant little attempts at advertising with horrid song jingles and stupid lizards with accents?? All those do is make me want to smash my t.v. and go on a free credit report douche bag choking rampage and shove tacos and nachos down their throats until they bleed nacho cheese! This is what a commercial should be. Entertaining! Bud Light has always had good commercials, but this one is the King. Thank you Bud Light I knew there was hope out there.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Ok, Ok what???? A)What in God's name is Yo Gabba Gabba??? and B)Why the fuck would I ever give my kid a talking orange afro and Steve Urkel glasses???? What the hell happened to the good old days of Looney Tunes, Ninja Turtles, and Ghost Busters?? Is this what kids are really watching these days?? A fucking petofile dressed like a giant orange dildo wearing Urkel glasses and an fucking afro???? And I thought Drake and Josh was bad enough. If you buy this for your kid you are just an asshole! You are only buying this if you hate your kid and want to make him/her an asshole. Seriously. Here you go Johnny put on this orange dildo wig and Taxi Driver glasses and dance around like a fucking jerk so I can forget about how pathetic my life is! Do your kids a favor and never speak of "Yo Gabba Gabba" again! If there's no anvils or Acme products don't fucking air it!
Friday, March 6, 2009
A few days ago I was reading a post over at The Shark Tank which is a daily read for me and a really great blog that I definitely recommend that you check out. They did a post called 5 people who will annoy you at the gym and this really cracked me up and over the past few days at the gym I started noticing more and more specimens that deserve honorable mention. The gym rat douche bags I see everyday. So before you read my additions to the list please go and check out their top 5 here.
I start it off with Mid-Life Crisis Guy. This is the old douche bag usually in his 40s or 50s with the fake bake tan, high shorts, a cut off shirt, and the towel over his shoulder. A real fucking jerk. They usually make their mark by walking around the gym not really doing much, just acting like they are the coolest people to walk the Earth. They jump from machine to machine, standing after each rep to look around, making sure everyone knows how cool they are. They often stop to think to themselves "I am still young, look everyone can see how cool and young I really am." FAIL.
Next is Twig Boy. Twig Boy is the skinny little prick, arms no bigger than a ski pole, that walk around wearing an under armor spandex shirt or just a tank top and try to lift way too much weight than they can handle. This specimen can be seen at any local gym around the country. Dude come on, take that fucking spandex shirt off before it snaps your twig arm in half. FAIL.
And Twig Boy's arch nemesis. The Anorexic Mess. This little beauty can be found running miles and miles on the treadmill because "she is just so damn fat." Little does this specimen know that she is a whopping 35 lbs. Why do you think they tie themselves to the treadmill? Just watching them run is painful. With every step it looks as if their bones are just going break into a pile of dust and blow away. Stop running and eat something you dumb fuck!
The Mom of all Moms. This is the women, 30s or early 40s, walking around in the tight pink spandex, the towel over the shoulder, visor cap, and their infamous fanny pack of water bottles and various supplies. A close relative to Mid-Life Crisis Guy and sometimes mother to Twig Boy. They can usually be found power walking or making themselves look like even more of an asshole doing Tae-Bo kicks on the steps. Get a fucking job!
And last but not least. The biggest fucking douche in the place or TBFD for short. This is the smelly fucking asshole that goes to the treadmill next to the one your on even though there is 2 open rows of them. The douche bag that stands in front of the water fountain not drinking anything, just waiting for someone to come over to get a drink so at the last second he can jump in front of you. The dumb fuck that will steal the machine your on in a heart beat. Yes this is the biggest fucking douche in the place. The next time you see this person in your local gym feel free to hit them over the head with a dumbell!
I also wanna thank One Creative Queen from The Queen Speaks for the shoutout. Go check out her blog here. Shes got some great stuff over there and it's definitely worth checking out.