The Commercials I Hate!

Vacation Time

2009-04-30T16:06:00.007-04:00

Taking a vacation. Here's a beauty for the mean time.

A New Low For Schwarzenegger

2009-04-27T07:37:00.004-04:00

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen in my life! You've gotta love Japan. Even the Governator is not safe from the crazy whacked out minds of Japanese entertainment. Apparently drinking that drink turns you into some sort of hopped up anime freak. What are you people smoking dust? Why the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger in Japan drinking some hallucinogenic drink that turns him into a laughing mad man??? This commercial is priceless!

Oh but wait... There's more!

ok this one made my brain hemorrhage a little bit.

Rambo Stat Sheet

2009-04-23T22:01:00.005-04:00

Last night I was watching possibly one of the greatest movies ever made, Rambo IV. Somewhere in between the baby burning and the jugulars being ripped out I was reminded of one of the funniest, most ridiculous stat sheets ever created. The Rambo stat sheet. Ever wonder how many people Rambo killed with his shirt on or off? Well someone actually had enough time on their hands to answer all of your Rambo questions. Chuck Norris has nothing on John Rambo. America.

Crazy Girlfriend Gets Revenge

2009-04-17T12:18:00.004-04:00

I guess you never know what women are really capable of if you piss them off. After watching this it makes me seriously never want to get on a woman's bad side. I hope my girlfriend never sees this video because I don't want her to get any ideas.

A Little Post Easter Humor

2009-04-13T10:23:00.005-04:00

Easter is about making love.

Peeps. Every year with the peeps. I fucking hate peeps and yet somehow manage to acquire enough peeps for a marshmallow army. Well its good to know that there are other people out there that really hate peeps.

P.E.T.A. Fail you motherfuckers fail! Even on Easter you send out your little troll minions to attempt and break the souls of the innocent.

O.K.... What???

Worst fucking Easter basket ever put together! Come on lady put a little effort into your life. What the fuck is anyone supposed to do with this stuff???

How To Really Use ShamWow

2009-04-08T18:33:00.005-04:00

As I'm sure you are all aware of ShamWow Vince's recent career change from the methed-up German loving infomercial pimp to the methed-up German hooker boxer. I figured he's gonna need to show his own personal uses of his ShamWow to really sell this product to his newly found audience on his new cell block.

First, every celebrity going to court needs something to hide their face with. Why not try a ShamWow. Perfect size and width for the average German face!

Buff the shit out of that hooker's ass until you can see your face in it. Buy a ShamWow HookWipe now and we'll throw in a bag of meth and some of Pimp Vince's very own HookWax!

Use your ShamWow to wipe off your hooker's face after a nightly beating for not wanting to kiss you. Or to wipe that irritating hooker spit from your mouth after choking them.

So take it from Pimp Vince. You'll be saying wow every time you use ShamWow!

1-800 Safe Auto Hate

2009-04-02T23:15:00.005-04:00

Oh hahahahahahaha. What a delightful little jingle. The singing flows into my ears like a carnivorous ear worm eating out the inside of my fucking head! I can not stand any of the Safe Auto commercials, but this one is by far the worst. Two fat ass mall cop looking douche bags walking up to the cars of smiling singing people??? I would love to see the rent-a-cops slap the fucking smiles off their faces, thow them in cuffs and beat them down like they were terrorists. The last person they show is the worst. Hanging her fat head out the window singing that horrible mind raping song. I feel violated every time I see it. I don't ever remember smiling when I was pulled over, but then again I don't have Safe Auto.

ShamIdiot

2009-03-31T10:20:00.003-04:00

Yes the German loving meth smoking asshole from ShamWow is back again, but we won't be hearing him pitch his German meth towels any time soon because his silver tongue was bit by a $1000 hooker! Apparently this juiced up asshole paid for just "straight sex" with a hooker in Miami and decided to try and kiss her. What is this world coming to? Who would have thought that if you try and kiss a hooker she might try and bite your tongue off?? Who in god's name would try and kiss a fucking hooker?????????? You might not know where that mouth has been...Wait. You know exactly where that mouth has been!!!She's a HOOKER! Well after this sweet little street walker bit his tongue the ShamAsshole beat the hell out of her until she ran out of the room to the hotel lobby to call the police. The ShamJerkoff is now facing felony battery charges. At least we have all learned a valuable lesson from all of this....DON'T DO METH!

Cat Shit One

2009-03-27T18:21:00.003-04:00

Man the Japanese make some weird ass shit.

Expain?????

Bud Light. Pure Genius

2009-03-24T16:07:00.007-04:00

Pure genius. I could watch this commercial in between This is what a commercial should be. Short and to the point with an asshole getting thrown out of a window. The free credit report and taco bells out there need to be taking lessons from the Bud Light advertisers. Why infect people with your insignificant little attempts at advertising with horrid song jingles and stupid lizards with accents?? All those do is make me want to smash my t.v. and go on a free credit report douche bag choking rampage and shove tacos and nachos down their throats until they bleed nacho cheese! This is what a commercial should be. Entertaining! Bud Light has always had good commercials, but this one is the King. Thank you Bud Light I knew there was hope out there.

Irish Day

2009-03-17T14:28:00.003-04:00

Here are a couple reasons that I am glad I am not Irish...

Eh?

100% Irish

Fail.

That's right just a little sip

Fuck Yeah!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Yo Gabba Gabba???

2009-03-12T16:20:00.003-04:00

Ok, Ok what???? A)What in God's name is Yo Gabba Gabba??? and B)Why the fuck would I ever give my kid a talking orange afro and Steve Urkel glasses???? What the hell happened to the good old days of Looney Tunes, Ninja Turtles, and Ghost Busters?? Is this what kids are really watching these days?? A fucking petofile dressed like a giant orange dildo wearing Urkel glasses and an fucking afro???? And I thought Drake and Josh was bad enough. If you buy this for your kid you are just an asshole! You are only buying this if you hate your kid and want to make him/her an asshole. Seriously. Here you go Johnny put on this orange dildo wig and Taxi Driver glasses and dance around like a fucking jerk so I can forget about how pathetic my life is! Do your kids a favor and never speak of "Yo Gabba Gabba" again! If there's no anvils or Acme products don't fucking air it!

Class A Jerks

2009-03-06T08:48:00.004-05:00

A few days ago I was reading a post over at The Shark Tank which is a daily read for me and a really great blog that I definitely recommend that you check out. They did a post called 5 people who will annoy you at the gym and this really cracked me up and over the past few days at the gym I started noticing more and more specimens that deserve honorable mention. The gym rat douche bags I see everyday. So before you read my additions to the list please go and check out their top 5 here.

I start it off with Mid-Life Crisis Guy. This is the old douche bag usually in his 40s or 50s with the fake bake tan, high shorts, a cut off shirt, and the towel over his shoulder. A real fucking jerk. They usually make their mark by walking around the gym not really doing much, just acting like they are the coolest people to walk the Earth. They jump from machine to machine, standing after each rep to look around, making sure everyone knows how cool they are. They often stop to think to themselves "I am still young, look everyone can see how cool and young I really am." FAIL.

Next is Twig Boy. Twig Boy is the skinny little prick, arms no bigger than a ski pole, that walk around wearing an under armor spandex shirt or just a tank top and try to lift way too much weight than they can handle. This specimen can be seen at any local gym around the country. Dude come on, take that fucking spandex shirt off before it snaps your twig arm in half. FAIL.

And Twig Boy's arch nemesis. The Anorexic Mess. This little beauty can be found running miles and miles on the treadmill because "she is just so damn fat." Little does this specimen know that she is a whopping 35 lbs. Why do you think they tie themselves to the treadmill? Just watching them run is painful. With every step it looks as if their bones are just going break into a pile of dust and blow away. Stop running and eat something you dumb fuck!

The Mom of all Moms. This is the women, 30s or early 40s, walking around in the tight pink spandex, the towel over the shoulder, visor cap, and their infamous fanny pack of water bottles and various supplies. A close relative to Mid-Life Crisis Guy and sometimes mother to Twig Boy. They can usually be found power walking or making themselves look like even more of an asshole doing Tae-Bo kicks on the steps. Get a fucking job!

And last but not least. The biggest fucking douche in the place or TBFD for short. This is the smelly fucking asshole that goes to the treadmill next to the one your on even though there is 2 open rows of them. The douche bag that stands in front of the water fountain not drinking anything, just waiting for someone to come over to get a drink so at the last second he can jump in front of you. The dumb fuck that will steal the machine your on in a heart beat. Yes this is the biggest fucking douche in the place. The next time you see this person in your local gym feel free to hit them over the head with a dumbell!

I also wanna thank One Creative Queen from The Queen Speaks for the shoutout. Go check out her blog here. Shes got some great stuff over there and it's definitely worth checking out.

Loss of Words

2009-03-01T20:02:00.001-05:00

Come again??

The Greatest

2009-02-26T17:39:00.003-05:00

This is one of the funniest pranks I've ever seen just because of the stupid look on this guy's face. It is priceless. When he fell asleep in the car his buddies scream like they're crashing and he freaks out. Priceless.

Fruit Roll Ups Commercial Hate

2009-02-21T11:42:00.005-05:00

"Dude why?" is fucking right! Fuck these fucking assholes. I'm sick of this shit. What do a floating tone def Opie and Zach Morris wannabe have to do with fruit fucking roll ups??? I can not believe that I even witnessed this commercial! What the fuck is going on in the minds of these advertisers??? Sales are down on fruit roll ups. What are we gonna do? Eureka! Why don't we put a monotone floating Pete and Pete in cowboy pajamas and a blond headed 12 year old asshole with a comb over and have them say some stupid fucking catch phrase that will drive the American people fucking insane! "Why are you harshing my dream mellow, dude why? Why are you alive, dude why??? Float your ass off a cliff Opie. And take your midget Rogaine candidate with you.

A Little Post Valentine's Day Humor

2009-02-16T17:39:00.022-05:00

I was cruising around google to find a funny Valentine's Day picture to share over on humorbloggers.com and came across this little gem. I have no idea who wrote it or where it came from, but I almost fell off my chair laughing when I was reading it. Sorry if it is too small to read, you can zoom on the original located here http://www.mykaussie.com/images/VALENTINES.jpg

Ever got one these?

2009-02-11T22:01:00.003-05:00

I received this email a few days ago and thought it was hilarious so I've decided to share it with all of you. Please feel free to share the most ridiculous emails you've received.

Subject:Hey dude, what's up? It's about your blog...
First of all, I want to say that I really enjoy your hilarious and sharp
style of writing and blogging. Good stuff. I'm going to add your blog to
my favorites for future use, thank you very much... :)

Anyway, my name is David and I’m the proud dad of this cool new
Website:
http://www.-----------.com and I’m contacting you because… well,
I’d love it if you mentioned my website somewhere in your blog. (If you
think it’s

worthy of course…)

What’s in it for you?
Well, aside from the fact that your type of visitors will probably enjoy
the type of material I have in my website, I decided giving away my
150-page ebook

about how to attract women to anyone who links to my Website (and wants to
get the ebook without spending more than 2 minutes on it...) If you’re
married

or something it’s ok… it’s always good to learn a thing or two (or a
hundred) that your girl will enjoy and appreciate.

No catch. Check this page for details about it and about the ebook:
http://www.--------.html
It’s easy, it’s fast and everybody wins!

If you have any questions or even need some help with Website stuff, I’ll
be glad to help.

For a few “copy-paste” linking options please click here:
http://www.---------------.html

Wishing you all the best,
David

Well David you wanted me to write about your website and I did. No e-book needed.

Hillshire Farm Commercial Hate

2009-02-08T21:00:00.003-05:00

"Bang, bang the choo-choo train eating lunch meat on the airoplane." What the FUCK???????!!!!! Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? What the fuck do private jets and congo lines have to do with lunch meat!!!???? Kill yourselves!!!!! Seriously. The makers of this commercial seriously need to kill themselves. I mean come on! That disgusting little attempt at a nursery rhyme and the red carpet congo line have me twitching on the edge of my couch! The only reason my t.v. is not in a thousand pieces right now in the back alley is because of how much it cost. This fucking commercial seriously has me contemplating on never eating lunch meat ever again! Seriously. I might go vegetarian. This could be the worst commercial of all time. This might have pushed me right over the edge. WHAT THE FUCK???!!! How about this for an ending. Those funboy assholes cha-cha their way into machine gun fire and grenades blowing them and their plastic containers of swine back to hell! "Bang, Bang the choo-choo train Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, BOOM! FAIL!

Sobe Superbowl Commercial Hate

2009-02-04T17:57:00.008-05:00

Here it is. This is by far the worst fucking Superbowl commercial ever made.

What do Ray Lewis, tights, ballet, and lizards have in common? Sobe of course! Wow. So that's what a million bucks gets you these days. You fucking assholes Sobe. You spend millions on Superbowl air time and 3-D effects only to put Ray Lewis in tights and dance around like a fairy during a gay pride parade. All the 3-D hype and millions of dollars only to have a bunch of animated lizards and some fucking blob thing DJ some shit music that sounded like it was from dance dance revolution. Fuck you Sobe. The worst part was that it was in 3-D. You really thought that by putting Ray Lewis, Matt Light, and Justin Tuck in tights dancing to techno music with lizards and a giant blue blob of shit in 3-D was going to sell your fucking product???? I hope your real proud of yourselves. "I know how we can sell more Sobe. We get Ray Lewis, Matt Light, and Justin Tuck in these tights and have them dance, are you ready for this....We have them dance to ballet music in 3-D during the Superbowl! And then we finish it off by adding this giant blue blob that looks like it came out of Ray Lewis' ass after he drank some Sobe and have the lizard DJ to dance dance revolution!" Genius! Next time take that 3-D blob of Sobe shit and shove it back where it came from! Assholes!

O-Mazing Grace!

2009-01-31T11:27:00.011-05:00

I was going to post my hatred for the worst Superbowl commercial I saw yesterday, but seeing how there were so many things that pissed me off yesterday, the Eagles not being there mainly, I've decided to share this for now . This video is much more important. I don't know if this guy is a crackhead, smokes meth, dust, had a stroke, or is just a fucking asshole, but this video is absolutely incredible. He has the voice of an angel... Around 3min is when it really gets good!

I also wanna say thanks to everyone that checks out my blog and give a shout to the top 10 Entrecard droppers for the month of January. Check their pages out, there's some good stuff out there.
1)The Junk Drawer 2)Lola's Diner 3)Retro Yakking 4)Kitchen Retro 5)Starcasm 6)Rocket Scientist 7)LOL Factory 8)Beyond Left Field 9)Over a Cup of BARAKO 10)Viewpoint Publication

Progressive Insurance Commercial Hate

2009-01-30T00:20:00.004-05:00

FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL! I have seen so many of these Progressive commercials and every time I see a new one its like the knife is getting driven deeper into my chest. Flo. Flo. Flo. How I hate you. This ladies voice is like a screaming banshee from hell brought to Earth just to destroy my ear drums. I can't take it, I can not take it anymore! I swear I have mini seizures every time I see and hear these commercials. Where the fuck did they find this goofy Olive Oyle looking sack of shit and why the hell did they put her on t.v. to sell god damn insurance??!!!! "Look at the deal we just got him, that's enough for 1 bullet and 1 gun to kill yourself with Flo!" I hope some uninsured asshole in a van runs you and your big tricked out name tag the fuck over!

Caption This!

2009-01-26T15:40:00.002-05:00

I've seen a lot of these and have decided to join in because some of the stuff people come up with are hilarious. So caption this!

Bender Ball Commercial Hate

2009-01-21T13:02:00.004-05:00

"I love my abdominals, yes I love my belly, I just love my abdominals!" FAIL! Are you kidding me???? You open your commercial up with a stupid asshole bimbo airhead bitch who can barely even pronounce the word abdominal! I love my abdominals! Fuck you. "I love my abdominals, my husband can barely keep his hands off me!" Yeah he can barely keep his hands off you because he's trying to push your fat wrinkled prune abs away from him. I love my abdominals! And I love the master method...A SIT UP! Yes your right "Master Trainer Leslee Bender" doing thousands of crunches and sit ups in the gym does absolutely nothing! Master Trainer Leslee Bender I love my abdominals! Fuck you. What are you thinking trying to sell a tiny ball for doing sit ups with an asshole who probably doesn't even know what the word abdominal means and a fat old hooker who probably hasn't seen an abdominal since the invention of the big mac! Take that ball and bend it up your ass Master Trainer Lesslee Bender! FAIL!!!! I love my abdominals!

Subway $5 Foot Long Commercial Hate

2009-01-16T17:32:00.004-05:00

Ahh yes the infamous $5 foot long commercial from Subway. FAIL!

Holy shit!!! What the hell is going through the heads of the advertisers that came up with this spine tingling commercial???? This one has really pushed me over the edge. What the fuck does Godzilla and airline attendants have to do with subway hoagies?? OHHH NOOOO Godzilla is coming, everyone quick dance and sing like a fucking asshole about Subway and he won't hurt you! FAIL! God every time I hear this little jingle my head feels like a tumor is about explode in ear drums! And the newest commercial, which if you haven't seen it be thankful I couldn't get a hold of that tasty little number, with these asshole construction workers dancing around the job site about singing about $5 dollar foot longs???? The village people must really be need of cash! When's the last time you've seen construction workers dancing and singing about $5 dollar foot longs out in broad day light?? What were they thinking?? I can see it now, sitting around like a bunch of assholes trying to figure out how to sell their shit hoagies, "Guess what Godzilla, airline attendants, and the Village People have in common." "I like how you think Johnson. Of course Subway hoagies!" Fuck you. I hope the creators of this Barney sing-a-long choke on those nursing home smelling Subway foot longs from hell!

UPS Commercial Hate

2009-01-10T20:38:00.008-05:00

First off I just wanna thank Angi at We Sleep For Dreaming for the Honest Scrap Award

But that needs to be put on hold for a minute because the UPS guy is putting me on the brink of insanity!

If I have to see this stupid Mr. Rogers sounding asshole again I might have a seizure! What in the hell were they thinking putting this pedifle on air???? He looks like wants to be drawing candy and cartoons to attract little kids to his own personal UPS van rather than these retarded spoofs for UPS! Seriously I'm just waiting for Chris Matthews to pop out with the police asking him why he brought mini white boards with a naked Sponge Bob on it to the park. And what is that cheesy music playing in the background? Is that the music that plays in his personal UPS van when he's driving around the neighborhood trying to catch little kids!?!?! FAIL! Here's a thought for you Mr. Rogers. How about you go sit in the middle of the street, shove that whiteboard up your ass, and have a UPS van run you the fuck over!

A Little Post New Years Humor

2009-01-06T16:02:00.004-05:00

No it's not any commercial hate. A friend of mine showed me this on youtube and it is too funny not to share with everyone. This video is honestly one of the funniest videos I have ever seen. It is the hit sensation Benny Lava music video from India self translated by Buffalax. The English translation is his interpretation of what it sounds like in English and is truly incredible!

Shamwow Commercial Hate

2009-01-02T20:50:00.010-05:00

What better way to start off the new year than sharing some pure and utter hatred for the soulless assholes that created Shamwow.

Ok, Ok, Ok....WHAT THE HELL! Who in god's name was put in charge of hiring the spokesman for this ridiculous product???? I swear to god all they did was go down a back alley and looked for the biggest most cracked out looking meth addict they could find, threw a giant oversize microphone on his stupid bucked toothed face, and sent him out there in front of the camera with a giant bag of meth and told him to get busy! FAIL! "Made in Germany everybody knows German's make great stuff". What is he really talking about here? The shamwow or the bag of meth he smuggled in his ass on the plane ride back to the U.S. Cleans up wine, coffee, cola, blood on the floor from a meth overdose. Whatever! Watching this guy try and sell a product is watching a crackhead speak on cops. Here's an idea for the makers of this commercial, product, and the bucked tooth methhead asshole trying to sell it. Take that shamwow and see if works as a parachute as you jump off the nearest cliff in Germany! Assholes.

Thank you to Retro Yakking for the Proximidade Award!

A Little Post Christmas Humor

2008-12-28T10:30:00.003-05:00

This next video isn't a commercial hate video. I came across this on youtube and found it so funny that I've decided to post this before continuing on with the campaign against dog shit commercials. Being the holiday season I found it appropriate to share. It is a remake of the classic Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer with a Full Metal Jacket twist.

AT&T Samsung Commercial Hate

2008-12-23T21:30:00.004-05:00

This right here is the reason that I have begun to write about my hatred for these hellish piles of bullshit. What in god's name would posses a company to create something so annoying, so outrageous, so disgusting in a despicable attempt to sell a product??!!?? FAIL! This could very well drive me to the edge of insanity if I hear or see this commercial again. Talking thumbs GENIUS! Give me a break! The part with the little Screech Powers looking thumbs saying, "That's insanium in the cranium DAWG!" is like a screeching banshee. Every time I hear that voice it makes me jump out of my skin! Or the part with the thumbs saying, "Shake your money maker!", with that high pitch squeal. Nice skull cap douche bag. I hope you shake your money maker off a cliff! I would rather be chained to a chair in a dark basement with my eye lids taped open forced to watch 2 girls 1 cup on repeat for 36 hours straight than see or hear any part of this disgusting video from hell again. Seriously I cannot take this anymore. It must be stopped. It must be stopped!

Free Credit Report Commercial Hate

2008-12-19T16:24:00.004-05:00

God it makes you wanna cry doesn't it? If there was a national vote on which commercials should never be aired again and all memories of it's existence be erased it would be the free credit report commercials. Now this one really tops them all. Every time I hear even the slightest of sound from this commercial it makes me twitch uncontrollably with anger. When will they stop!?!? I love the one with the guy living in the basement with his mom and dad because that's exactly where he is probably living and writing these horrific sounds from hell! FAIL! What were they thinking? What were they thinking?! I just picture these assholes singing the songs sitting in their parents basement in a little kumbaya circle, rocking back and forth while singing their tunes in pirate costumes finishing with a couple high fives being like, "Awe man that was great, we are awesome bro!"...Wait I take that back. Their parents probably kicked them out of their basement because they hate them as much as the rest of America does! Fuck you free credit report. Fuck you.

Arby's Commercial Hate

2008-12-17T23:23:00.005-05:00

You know I used to like Arby's food especially the curly fries, but they now are one commercial away from having me jump off a cliff. I can take it no more, the stupid Arby's hats popping up like a boner in silk boxers, the disgusting quotes, and the stupid ass looks on the actors faces! FAIL! The newest commercial has me seriously contemplating on never watching t.v. again.

Lets stop and think here what this guy was really thinking about by having his wife dress up in an Arby's uniform for his birthday. Was he really thinking about his wife or that fat toothless asshole that delivers him his curly fries on his lunch break? Calm down Tonto. I didn't realize the smell of a moldy big montana could give you an Arby's boner! I know if I asked my wife to dress up in an Arby's uniform and serve me a big montana she would tell me to shove that Arby's hat up my ass! So heres to the new Arby's commercial and everyone involved in making it. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

Taco Bell Commercial Hate

2008-12-15T19:58:00.005-05:00

Today's commercial is the new Taco Bell ad featuring the ground breaking "79, 89, 99" song. Featured here:

I have seen this commercial more and more these past few days and all I can say is, FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!
This is one of the most annoying songs I have ever heard in my life and it makes me twitch every time I see or hear this commercial. The young kids scrounging up the change to buy nachos from Taco Bell, hanging out having a great time in the parking lot! Come on! When is the last time you've seen anyone having so much fun over having to scrounge up change to buy nachos from Taco Bell??? Hey guys I have a great idea on what to do tonight. Lets all scrounge up enough change from the couch to go buy nachos from Taco Bell and have a huge dance party in Taco Bell's parking lot! FAIL! With every fist pump during that commercial I lose a little more self control over myself. If I have to see one more idiot fist pump and throw their girlfriend up in the air over the thought of buying a grade z chalupa I might have a heart attack! Here is a thought for the makers of this commercial. How about you go and take some of those tacos and have those assholes from the commercial fist pump them up your ass! Aiy! Aiy! Aiy!